Graduation, Dissociation (a poem)
Graduation, Dissociation
Glassy eyes and
a plastic smile.
The pink lipstick I wore
for every occasion.
A dress from the
junior's department of Macy's,
never to be worn
again.
It was my high school graduation,
but I wasn't there.
I felt lost, anxious--
alone.
That funny feeling where
life coninues on around you,
floating through the motions;
mind in stasis.
It's the last time I saw
my best friends,
we didn't even take any pictures
together.
Fear of the unknown had
overtaken my life,
constant mental breakdowns;
undiagnosed autism shinning through.
Overwhelmed,
wanting to help everyone
all at once--
couldn't even help myself.
That desire still burns,
but the flames no longer
consume my flesh;
quiet embers smolder.
That was 10 years ago,
and for many I have missed it;
I accept now that friendships
cannot sustain in stasis.
People grow up and move away,
college, careers, and marriages;
you'll never guess who is gay,
people change.
18 to 28.
Bisexual, married, autistic--
the order of discovery.
It's okay to feel lost.
They didn't tell us then
the biggest lie of adulthood:
no one knows what we're doing,
but we're all lost together.