The Autistic Lens


Punk Writes

I Can't Write: The Paradox.

Updated: Dec 5, 2019

A few days ago I had decided I wanted to write more. Maybe something more about my life, the things I've been through. Maybe something about "Autism Acceptance" or "Autistic Pride". But, as odd as this might be to type/say, I can't write it lately. There are words and sentences swirling in my mind, that I want to get out, right now, as I am typing this, about SO many different things, but all that's coming out is this, this exact post, these exact words, and they're not what I WANT to say, they're what I currently CAN say.

I honestly don't even know if that makes any sense, any logical sense. I have always had that issue writing. Schoolwork? I'd say 99% of the time, if it was open ended questions, or an essay, I couldn't write it. I didn't write it. If you asked me to talk about it, maybe if I was lucky, I could talk about it, but most likely I'd go silent. And that never made sense to me, nor did it really make sense to my parents either. Because if you were to ask me about something I'm passionate about, I could talk about it for hours. Not necessarily write about it, that's something I still have trouble with. And that sentence probably doesn't make sense to anyone reading this.

I know for a fact there will be people reading this, thinking, "But wait Morgan, you said you can't write, but you're doing it right now!?". And you're correct, I AM writing now, but it's not what I WANT to say, it's not the words I wanted to write, and it's not the ideas I had in my head. It's only what I can currently write or say, what, it feels like, my brain is allowing me to say. I've had a therapist previously diagnose me with dysgraphia, but that doesn't... fit correctly. I definitely have difficulty with handwriting, mine looks like chicken scratch and is barely legible, even by me. If you were to ask me to write ANYTHING by hand, I'd have severe difficulty, most likely ending in a meltdown or shutdown. Even filling out paper forms is hard. And for some reason, typing is somewhat easier. I am typing right now. No issue with what I'm typing now at all, but it's, again, not what I WANT to type.

Think of it this way:

My brain is an ocean, filled with water, lifeforms, all kinds of things. There's a wall surrounding it, and at the only exit, is me, and my brain itself, choosing what goes through. I'll think, "Hey brain, I want to talk about X, Y, and Z today, maybe do a video about it or type it out." My brain replies, "Okay Morgan, I can't do that, but hey, you want to type your thoughts as your thinking them, the same way you'd speak, but it's not even about what you wanted to talk about, you can do that." I'll reply, "But please, there's so many important things I want to talk about, so many topics, so many things I want to touch on!" And my brain just say no, and only allows out the smallest amount of water, with everything I want to say filtered out, still stuck in the ocean. (Note, this is all metaphor, I don't actually experience this in my brain, was just explaining in a different way to hopefully make it easier to understand, but knowing me this probably just made it more confusing.)

So that's what this is. That's what my previous writing was too, in a sense, but it was a VERY rare moment where my brain actually let me say what I wanted to say, instead of just what I could say. Right now I am typing my thoughts, as they happen, because that's all I can say right now. I could even start a livestream, as soon as I post this, and the same would happen, but there is a way around that, I have found.

If, let's say, someone was to ask me a direct, NOT open ended question, and I don't mean a "yes or no", I mean a question about a specific topic with a specific answer in mind, I can answer that easily. That's why I liked those quiz games, the profoundly anon question app, things like that. I love when people ask me things, because, even if it's not what I WANT to say in whole, it allows me to say what I want to say about that specific question, even for a moment. That's why I've had so many livestreams where I'd ask for people to ask me things, even if no one does or no one really watches. It helps me. This helps me too, just typing my thoughts.

Back to something I mentioned earlier in this, things I'm passionate about. That stuff? I can talk for hours. Doctor Who? Specific Videogames? Movies/books? Photography or Psychology? No issue whatsoever. Hell, I even had a gigantic theory as to what The Doctor's true name is (Spoiler kind of, theory points it to being the abrahamic god, due to the Doctor's nickname on Gallifrey while he was in the Academy. Not that he IS god, but that he helped create the earth or universe or humanity somehow) <-- I actually had to verbally stop myself from going on a rant about that just now. Sometimes I can't help but talk about those things. I'll do what's known and what I now know as "info dumping", and that's a very common trait in people who are autistic. I've done that my entire life and never knew why, was always the "weird kid" in school for that reason (well, other reasons too, but I'll hopefully make a different post on that, I'm sure there are some people I went to school with who'd like to know why I acted how I did). Even to this day, some people will get annoyed or even offended if I info dump, for a variety of reasons with that too. But that's a part of who I am too, and I'm tired of masking who I am so that the world will accept me.

I think that's a big part of why I'm finally being vocal and made this page. I am tired of pretending to be "normal", when there is no such thing. I'm tired of pretending to be Neurotypical when I am definitely not. I am tired of masking my traits, my special interests, everything, simply so that people would accept me. I am myself. I am going to be my real self, for everyone. Take it, or leave it. If you don't like me, that's fine, you don't have to like me. I have to like me though. And I haven't liked myself for a very long time, until I met Laura, until I met someone who loved me, the real me, and when I stopped masking for her, married me. I met someone who showed me it's okay to be myself, and eventually, met more people who have taught me it's okay to be Autistic. (I never thought it wasn't okay to be Autistic, I just had no real idea that I am until fairly recently.)

That's why Autistic Pride and Autism Acceptance is important to me, because it's shown me that it's okay to love myself, who I really am. It's helped me see that the things I used to hate about myself, the things that I thought I was "broken" for, didn't mean I was actually broken. I've met SO many people that are also autistic, and it's helped me feel so much less alone. I created this blog to share my life, my thoughts, what truly happens inside my head, with the world. I'm opening myself up to everyone, in the hopes that someone out there will read this, or something I write, and realize they're not alone either. That's why I'm asking so many of you if I can help volunteer, how I can spread more information about the group I created (Autistic Pride of USA) and why I share so many articles and other groups that have helped me (Autistic Inclusive Meets Community Group AIM​, Agony Autie​, The Autistic Advocate​, and Neurodivergent Rebel are some examples).

I do it because I know what it's like to feel lost, to feel alone and broken, to feel targeted, abused, hurt, beaten, and worse. I know what it's like to want to end your life on a daily basis. I know what it's like to actually try, to be placed in a psych ward against your will. I know what it's like to struggle with your internal demons, negative thoughts, destructive behaviors. And with all I have been through, the pain, the torture; I want to help people that are going through the same or similar. I want to bring happiness to this world in any way I can, happiness to everyone I meet. I am able to love everyone, unconditionally, with nothing to ever change that. I used to hate that about myself, that I literally can't stop caring and loving people even if I tried, but now I accept it, and I plan to use that part of me to make a difference in this world, somehow.

So, if you're reading this, and it sounds familiar, know you are NOT alone, and you never truly have been, no matter what your thoughts may say. And if you have any questions, ask me. I will answer everything honestly, and as completely as I possibly can.

I don't know if anyone will actually read all of this, but if you do, thank you. Thank you for listening to me, my rants, my walls of text when they happen, and thank you for being you.

Hey look, I ended up touching on some points I wanted to anyway. It's not everything I wanted to, but it's at least a little bit.

Maybe this "loving yourself" and "forgiving yourself" stuff has some merit to it after all.

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